know about me

a long time visit

2011-06-16T08:35:00.002+10:00

16. July.2011 @ 0635hrs

Insanity is what i am going through right now. Feeling of remorse and regret kept coming back to me. It sucks dear diary. I wish to have a break from the cruelty of this life.

Turn left, i saw the pain of the past that i used to lead. Turn right, i saw the hope of moving on. Keeping on right really hard and sometime the test that come along the way is unbearable.

Going a through a seiries of problems. Major problems. Annoyed with getting demoralised by the people whom i once called friends. But i knew i have to stand on both feet for me to see that bright future of mine.

I am going to change diary. first thing first, i have to quit this ttsh job. At the same time, find a time to do volunteering.

i am changing... for a better person.

sahabat

2011-03-22T09:22:00.002+10:00

Aper itu makne sahabat....?

Sahabat itu adalah seseorang yang berani menegur
walaupun tahu kawannye akan marah.
Sahabat itu berani berkater benar walaupun ia akan
menyakiti hati kawannya.
Sahabat itu berani menegak kebenaran untuk menjaga
maruah kawannya.
Sahabat itu rela melepaskan persahabatan itu jika keadaan
memaksa.
Sahabat itu tidak sanggup melihat titisan air mata di mata
kawannya.
Sahabat itu menjaga aib kawannya sebagai die menjaga nyawanya.
Sahabat itu ikhlas menyayanginya.
Dan akhir sekali, jikakalau kawannya sudah terbang jauh,
sahabat ini akan sentiase menantikan ketibaannya.

Bolehkah awak menjadi sahabat itu?

this is for you liy.... i dunnoe why... i just saw yr changes... am i suppose to keep quiet to save our friendship or am i suppose to advise... tanggungjawab sesama manusia. Liy, kau berubah... menjadi org yg ku tk kenal... pendirian kau mula hancur.... haiz.... i will wait till you fly back to yrself. but rite now, im sorry.... i cant witness a decent girl becoming this way.... u r my bestfriend. if i have to sacrfise myself to save u, i will do that. sincerely.

take care.

its a Hate anD loVe relatiOnship

2011-02-14T04:42:00.002+10:00

To say that i love you so much, i seriously darent.
Coz my heart is still healing from the previous time you hurt me....

To say i enjoyed every moment im with you, i darent.
coz you lost temper when u with me.

To say that i gave up hope, i darent.
coz i still believe u r mine.

To say that im perfect, i darent
coz you detest most of my character.

so now, what?

public nuisance

something new and cool

2011-02-09T22:17:00.003+10:00

09022011 @ 2019

I dunnoe why...but i just enjoy my 2011.. we cousins promised each other that we would be there for each other and also we kindda of start to meet up each other more often. I always feel nice noeing that they are there for me. My brothers, my heartbeat. My mum, my nyawa. My family, my skeleton.

30012011 @ 1400hrs

Met my cuzzies together with my besties liy. My cuzzies bring the partners along. Wan with haz, Faiz with Ria, Aliff with dunnoe who...(forgets her name :p). I wanted liy to come along not because i do not have a partner to bring along, but i miss her so much. With me working shifts, i had to grab every oppurtunities to meet her before she fly off!!! and Faiz fetch me and her from tampines!!! sweet kan!! he do not want me to be lonely.

@ 1500hrs :

after a light meal, when to bowling centre. Fully booked. So we played the new monopoly game. Quite interesting. I so wanna buy it.... but first, my twister game, then monopoly.... It was really cool game... played for a few rounds then we played bowling... hahaha.... everyone was not bad.. we just laughed at each other... ntg much.

@ 1900hrs:

Decided to go back to pasir ris just to have dinner... tu best.... semua makan mcm taknah mkn.. semua lapar...

@ 2200hrs

addicted to my brothers..seriously... thank you Allah for giving them to me.

written by:
public nuisance

happiness for two days

2011-01-16T22:28:00.004+10:00

14012011 @ 1230hrs

Went to phototaking with a colleague of mine. It was really funny and amazing. Izwinda is so weird... she enjoys it but she is shy about taking her pictures... hahaha... we kindda of have a gurlish moment with each other. The make up was nice, simple but yet jorjeous!!! really jorjeous... i will put up the pictures once i have it with me!!

@430hrs

i went out with sister later part of the day and watch belinqsue!! power giler... its a musical movie. thumbs up! everyone shuld watch it. hahaha... and seriously, the guy is so hot! macho giler... if only i have hym as my partner, takkan menyesal...

@ 700hrs

went makan with them @ lucky plaza... ntg much... but still great...

15012011 @ 430hrs

went to meet faiz and wan after work... they were such an ass... suppose to meet at cantonment but i have no idea where... but somehow, they manage to get away and meet me @ borders... so terkejot when saw wan... kuros sey skarang.. stress kerjer....

@530hrs

when to eat dinner at far east.... joke alot.... laugh alot... cry alot.... stare alot....eat alot.... i miss those brothers of mine... seriously, if anyone wants to go with me, he have to go through my brothers... we can literllay hug, cry, manja with each other... somehow, i always think that we are just mean to be cousins... with our level of joke, with our level of carziness. they are all what i need to make me happy...

@7.00hrs
sisha till mabok... jokes again... very lame.... and then they sent me off...

two days of fun... and relaxation....thanks to them, im better... wish someone would be there but she busy....

public nuisance

A closure

2011-01-09T17:06:00.002+10:00

When I know that it will be the end,
I literally forced my feelings numb
They say it is not a good way to overcome
but how can i overcome when i am already ripped apart?

My only options is to cry or keep busy,
but somehow the pain never goes,
I watched others with partner
I just knew that i miss my sweetheart

But i do blame myself,
for always giving him pressure
Guess it will be great if im alone
for everyone happiness.

I am no more the in fantasy world
I always think down to earth.
there no way i can fly like liy
to leave my sick mother behind.

Only his hand is warmth,
the rest of the surrounding is cold.
Denials seems to be my nickname
As of now and maybe...in future...

Public nuisance

2011-01-06T01:09:00.007+10:00

My life has somehow reached to a closure.

Where my dreams of marrying tupai has end

i knew that i must stood strong,

i knew that i must moved on.

There is no promises that i would be back with him

No promises as i would find a new one

No promises that i will be back with razin

Lastly, no promises if i would want to commit myself

I am bruised, but not as deep

I am hurt, but not as much

I am lost, but it doesnt feel scary

I will just follow the new path

It nice to have a past.

But its scary to step to the future

Especially now when i put my mindset

to be alone for a year.

Sorry to those i have hurt

To those whom i reject.

This is my decision

And i hoped you respect.

2011-01-04T07:00:00.004+10:00

Aku hanya mampu memanjat doa
Doa yang ku sendiri ku tak pasti
Jikakalau Yang Esa mendengarnya
Sesuatu permintaan yg memilu hati.

Ya Allah, kau memperbaiki hidupku.
Peliharalah aib ku ini
tolonglahku Ya Allah,
Tutuplah cerita sejarah hidupku.

Jikakalau ini dipanggil dugaan,
ikhlas dari hati, aku tak mampu
untuk menanggung ini semua
Aku hanya insan yg lemah

Tetapkanlah imanku
Berkatilah hidupku.
Berikanlah keimanan keatas diriku
Berikanlah ku cahaya yang selama ni ku mencari

dan permohonan terakhirku Ya Allah
Aku mohon, mohon sekali.
Engkau jagelah, sayang dan berkatilah kehidupan
kekasih hatiku iatu ibuku.

public nuisance

2011-01-01T08:48:00.003+10:00

Despite all the hardship I faced this year,
I feel like I am still so small to take on this world.
It has been hard on the people around me.
Negligence, denials and pains were to be seen.

Please let me go,
Please let me survive.
Please stop hurting me
Please just let me breathe for once.

It came down daunting me
That I have leaded a meaningless life
Told myself I needed a change,
But I was handcuffed by history of my life

Told the police to let me go
But yet I have not finished my sentence
Behind bars for the rest of my life
The sins that were never be able to be redeemed for.

I closed my eyes,
Wishing upon a star.
Like a lil gurl
Who just wish for a better life.

I ran to the woods,
To find an escape
The woods were so full of trees,
That I feel it was closed on me.

A lil man hand reached out to me
Who were once my lover,
He promised me thousand and one things
Thus again, I put my trust on him.

Wished he was truthful now,
Wished he was sincere,
Only him will know the answers
Cause my heart will never heals.

I will indulge myself in games,
The games of life I must say
This time round, I will play well
With intergrity, love and trust

Happy New Year 2011

painfully witten

public nuisance

boinks....

2010-08-20T19:18:00.002+10:00

hate....

a strong word to use. really.... just needed the tyme "off" from everyone. i feel really useless as a besties wen i know i cant do much for her. my parents dun really like her anymore. i cant offer her shelter knowing that she needed one. i cant offer her tyme as i am continuously looking for exta buck so i could study and noone can look down on me. i lost her. i miss her. but i know, sometymes i just impossible to get back someone.

somehow.. there no way to find me. coz i closed the roads to me. for a year. i wanna sculpture myself again. i want her badly but i know, this is the tyme i have to let go... what a life....

im sorry....

alia.

looonnnnggggg time!!!!

2010-08-15T13:38:00.002+10:00

DAUGHTER......

DADDY.......

OUR CONVERSATION JUST GO ON AND ON.... HEHE.... NVR STOPS... SO LOVING HIM....

I just got myself a permanent job... it feels great.... somehow... with fix income every month.... hehe...can save for school....

im taking a exercise programme..... hehe.... to get hotter body which i cant seems to achieve....i hope... and im getting darker... thanks alot to all the cycling and maritche jogging.....

my plans for this week really depends on my schedule... got lotsa of things to do...please let me have me enuff tyme...im exhausted....

busy.... busy.....

byes

2010-04-18T21:25:00.002+10:00

i am witnessing the death of a friend.
its frightening i have to say.
the live that you used to lead its going to end real end soon.

i hope that the family is ok.
used to be close but things happened in between.
unable to say that i miss him
cause he already in coma state.

my life is real complicated.
with friends, family and hectic schedule.
nothing can beat me down now.
cause i have prepared myself.

but again like i said,
its time.
to be with the world.
to appreciate life once again.

i love the world outside.
the heats and the cold.
the laughter and the tears.
its perfect for different colours.

im taking psyhology degree...
together with medical social wrker.
wish me the best darls.
for the study year next year.

ps: problems are sometyme to huge to take on.
but dont ever lose the sense of humour in you.
without a laughter, the mind cant work.
and when the mind arent working, you drive yourself to depression.
dont be n that state again.
cause problems are beautiful thing,
they mature you up, the shape you.
learn to live life and be positive..

shit... not sure what im talking about.

andai ku percaya lagi

2010-03-31T21:00:00.002+10:00

Aku tak percaya lagi pade makna kehidupan ini.... aku tak percaya lagi tentang kehidopan. kebahagian ku bagaikan terbatas.

aku mohon.... janganlah kamu menghina diriku lagi. aku menyesal. aku bukanlah alia dulu. tolong... hormati ku. aku da lamer buke lembaran baru. berikanlah aku peluang untuk hidop semula kembali.

kira....

im in love with you as a besties. enjoyed every moment with u. mizz you babes!

feeling loss again

2010-03-30T02:23:00.002+10:00

though sometyme i wish i just knew what wrong.....
cause im not perfect.

i cant be a good fren to you.
i have alwaz failed.
its tiring.
to keep up with the pace.

paid to redeem the mistakes

2010-02-28T22:09:00.005+10:00

Noone would know how painfully she faced the world.
Noone can understands that she just could not.
Everyone blamed her for the circumstances they landed themselves in.
She paid the price for other's destiny.

Amazingly, she still laugh, she still smile, she still shine.
Cause if it was me, i would drowned myself in a corner with acholic drinks.
She still stood strong, holding on to what i called faith.
Someone who have never prayed but believe in HIS existence.

Her tears, never run down her cheeks.
She put her head up, whenever she feeling low.
She said," if you keep looking down, you just look at the stones"
She wants to look at the sky to have a better vision.

I salute you for your strength and patience.
To pay back the sins of a man whom you should called daddy.
It feels so good, to know that you still breathing.
After he battered you every night, losing in a gamble.

When i saw you that time, there was nothing else i could say,
but only to give you a warmth hug
saying that i care.
Gosh, how i wish half of your burden goes to mine.

I wished that i could protect you.
Protect the children whom are abused and despised.
Cause everyone is special.
Cause everyone deserve love and care.

I will help you my friend.
Even if i have to gamble my life.
This is a job i know i should take on.
Cause i dont want to see you being helpless and lost.

But i need you to reach out to my hand.
I am not sacred to be battered by your dad.
Run to my home if you need comfort.
Run to me if you need help.

I promise, i will help.

Written with anger:
Public nuisance

a real life ahead

2010-02-28T02:31:00.004+10:00

I will be the greatest,whampy, lovable & positive girl real soon.

I am achieving my dreams very soon.

Juz need to work out my budget slowly.

And yesh......................

the sweetest abt life is the moment when you lighted up my darkest moment.

The comments i received from tupai abt me:

1.Serabai (messy)

2.Funny

3.Emotional unstable recently

4. Determined

5. Cry-baby

babe

2010-01-24T10:01:00.002+10:00

thank you my loves!! been great.... tupai operation went well... What more can i ask... happy giler sey!!! and yesh dearies... im enjoying life real soon....

i realise that as you grow up, there will only be a few of your frenz that will really stick by you... an example.... siva, liy, eel, and kira... those four frenz are worth sacrifising and stick by thru.... ellis and nisa too!!

tupai bdae coming.. and im still stuck of what to do... haiz... im gg to do something wild... but needs alot of help!!

weekend

2009-12-21T16:55:00.002+10:00

weekend... great.. when to zoo with two small, demanding, mischevious kids...... hehehe.......

the kids were so cute.. so becok... nakal and all... i kindda of like entertaining them... maklumlah... they are my bf lil sis.... cute sey.... and the best part, they layan me instead of their abg... haha!! see tupai... everyone loves me!! heheh... so tak malu....

it kindda of give me an escape tyme from my problems... the kids really cheered me up. It has been real tough on me. Somehow, i wished that i could just go for a long spa and sleep while having a sauna. I wish i could feel like a tai-tai... hahaha... when can i be a RICH BASTARD! HAIZ.... i really envy those who were born rich... takyah work setengah mati... haiz... some people were just born lucky..

Im outta of job after december... nvm... i will find another job.. my boss kindda of grew on me... said i was teachable and able to adapt fast... ALHAMDULLILAH... and i never thot i could... coz i have been facing problems after porblems... mcm suay!

hmm.... im applying a voluntary job. I dont care ready lah... ader income ke takde.... i love kids... in fact, i mixed and understand them well... Somehow we share a common thing... hehehe... i Donth really like adults.. Complicated people. But yeah.. im growing to be one oso.... so no way i could escape.. but i do hope my dad change hys mind of letting me work with kira....

And also... if God willing, im gg to blajar at mesir... or syirea... tak sure ah... for a year... dalami Islam... Somehow, i understand what Islam is... it took me years to understand why am i different... i should not elaborate more.. But i am not at all religious.... im still ngee ngiok!! still go crazy and add colours to my own life.... hehehe... But deep inside, there some kind of hope... that i would be a better person....

I wish that the people i love the most would be able to see and share the good tymes with me... Soon i hope..... I will always pray for you guys....

have a few on my list:
1. Aliff
2. Sarah
3. Tupai
4. Liyana
5,Kira
5. Siva
6. Eel
7. Fadzley
8. Shameem
9. fila
10. faiz

and many more..... bu8t they are my top list!!

though i beg

2009-12-17T11:28:00.004+10:00

Though i beg for the world to become better for me,
it has been years where i waited for my happiness.
Everytime it seem destroyed,
with all the unexpected circumstances.

Im tired, my world
Im am afraid
To go thru this emotions alone.
cause i am not ready for it.

I need Daddy.
I need his warmth hug.
to bad he is in NS.
to cheer his daughter away.

I need Kira.
to make me laugh
and her cute jokes
to make me feel, that I am needed.

I need liy.
to jog with me.
Seeing her smiley face,
calms me away.

I need my Drama people
A bunch of monkeys
who made me hyper
during my secondary schools days

Im not denying
Im losing the energy
to much to handle
the pressure in a day.

I tried to cry it out.
Im sure its not working
Cause the tears has dried out,
years ago.

I am not at all happy
Im not at all joyful
I need someone to say "its ok"
atleast for now, it will be working.

I DUNNOE world
if its going to be fine
so dont keep asking me
as if i know it all.

i dont have the powers
to keep everything in control
but what i can promise you
i will not close the eyes till the fight is over.

Painfully written

Penyu

i dunnoe what has been happening

2009-12-15T20:05:00.003+10:00

maybe i am totally a messed up girl.
maybe i am not.
maybe i knew what i am doing.
maybe i just did it wrong.

i need guidance.
coz it just blowing me away
from staying rooted
to reality of the life

but if you ask me,
my life is way complicated
i do not lead a normal teen life
and i dont think i would lead a normal adult life.

ensuring

2009-12-15T11:44:00.003+10:00

i kept quiet of all the things that has been happening
i wish my mum knew that its scary
to keep dreaming and feels it
Somehow, something just came knocking on me

People says its a sign.
Of what?
haiz, explain to me someone
just dont leave me in fear

I am just 20
Life is so challenging
with the real world and "fake" world
where am i suppose to find the energy

please stop, i beg
but it's always coming back.
im tired.

please-pleaaaase

2009-12-14T18:03:00.001+10:00

My mum told me to stop it
My dad told me to stop it
My sisters told me to stop it
I told myself to continue.

I knew what i did was right.
It was not due to emotion.
I know what will happen
I took the actions beforehand
And to be blame instead

Noone knew its very frightening to know what coming
Like a movie or something
I wish God would help me
Coz im frozen by the ability.

Im blabberring, i guess
Not sure of how to put it in words.
I just hope you guys pray for me
Cause this is too much to absorb.

Read

2009-12-08T17:05:00.002+10:00

The prank yesterdae was cute. It would be a cool day if you guys hadnt spoiled it by....

I know this is kind of sudden of me to pour out all the shit feeling that I have kept inside.

Im sorry for posting this blog, but i kindda think this is the best way. For me not to vent out my anger directly to those who make me feel this way.

To those whom i called good friend:

Firstly, i am hurt at the FUCKING comment that you guys alwayz gave me when we saw a group of "bangladesh". Its really not funny. its hurting. I am very disappointed in someone whom i called besties. I believe i have told you guys that it was hard for people to accept me just because i was "black" when i was younger. So i do think you should be more sensitive with this. Coz the jokes is almost everytyme when we met. Its hurting. Its funny to you guys, but its niot to me.You guys really pulled down my self confidence.

Secondly, i am not dumb. Who are you to call me these stuffs.... Korang ingat IQ korang banyak nyer tinggi? please ah... Cermin diri... Since skola sampai skarang, you have been saying those stuffs. an eg, "Idiot proof". Seriously.... it just fucking pissed me up. Stop thinking highly of yourself.

Ni cerite lame. But im just gg to write.... i think its better for me to blast everything now then keep it inside... You guys remember the tyme in BICU and you guys joined in the joke with amanda... The joke about selling me in EBAY? seriously, i am really shocked that you guys didnt even feel wrong joking to that extent,.... Korang ingat aku ni pelacur?! kau ingat aku jual maruah? please ah... The three of us are women... Takkan tak paham the feeling when u get this kind of jokes? And best of all, none of you guys said sorry.

if you guys think im just ridiculous and sensitive, up to you guys. Cause im really pissed and angry. Yesterdae was the limit. I thot everyone grew up.... but i guess no... Joke pun limit ah... Jgn samapi muke org tu berubah. If you guys cant appreciate me due to my skin and IQ, its ok.... Learn to respect me and my dislikes. I dont want to blow up at you guys directly cause its going be real bad... IF you guys think you guys have learnt to respect a black, stupid girl like me, tell me. Till then, i would not mind missing out the outings. I dun like being criticise.

Random post

2009-11-19T11:28:00.004+10:00

The power of vision

the best!!

Tupai.... biler nak pose mcm gini!!! biler ni????

i miss you alot syg!!

* you know... i got an idea... if i wanna do something interesting with tupai(paham2 jer), i would give him pictures of what i want! then pandai2, die figure out!! hehehe... horny bastard sey aku!! now, my censored pictures are increasing!! More hints for tupai! more variety!

Aku rase begitu sejuk sekali

Pada malam ini

Mungkin kerana ku tidak dihangatkan
Oleh pelukkan dirimu.

Aku menggigil tidak terhingga.

Menantikan kedatangan mu

Hingga ku terlena
Membayangkan dirimu disisi

Kenapakah kau menghukumku

Atas satu kesalahan?

Maafkanlah aku wahai kekasih

Tolonglah.

*its not a poem... but its a feeling from an annoymous poet....

Last enclosure

2009-11-12T13:33:00.002+10:00

I dunnoe why... but im seriously upset.... with the whole situation that hits me yesterdae... i should not name who, but she literally just forget about the past... i seriously regret of helping her. helping her to the extent till i fought with my parents saying i priortise her first.

seriously man.. i hate that type of people. i know we arent close anymore, but have a decency of informing or update each other.... wtf! when you bloody hell need me, u call me... when u dont, it can go for months or years!!!! and bloddy hell, again, i forgave u and help you out... you played me out miss.... and you definately going to get it. One dae, someone close to you, will do that to you. And i hope by that tyme, u realise that YOUR BLOODY MISTAKE!

A message to bloody people who dont appreciate:

If you think your life has been better, think of the people who help you out when noone cares, when noone bother to lend a helping hand. Learn to appreciate. If you think friendship works one wae, bloddy hell, you are wrong! it takes two hand to clap...

2009-11-09T19:00:00.002+10:00

Its weird of how when you are couple, each of you is facing a totally extreme emotional piece. Im glad at how my life is gg for now... but for tupai.... its another wae round... he really hurting inside... and i hope i could atleast help in out abit.... emotionally.... i dunnoe how.

sedih at how things out for hym.. But i guess ader hikmah...

kira... i really miss you and love you... shit lah... aku makin susah nak meet kau.. lagi2 tyme weekend... haiz... sorry babe,,, but u can always msg me... or call.. i dun mind the bill..... freindship is more imp than money....

lastly... baby.... i hope you stay strong... i hope you could smile sincerely soon... coz i know, its a hard phrase for you now.

Quicky posty

2009-11-06T19:14:00.003+10:00

Pictures i collected overtime.
Pictures that i love to stare at.
Pictures that make me feel the emotion and character.
Just look at the pain of this woman.

Almost wanted to do a nude drawing of myself.....

But my body is not hot!
Parading the body of sexuality

Its hard trying to make a name for yourself. Its hard to make someone believe in you. In fact, its hard to just stand on your own feet.

updates!!

2009-10-27T11:49:00.003+10:00

Just dump someone by the roadside if u dun find someone fun!!!

that was what happen when i go out wif someone who really bores me to sleep... seriously, i was sick wif hys lame jokes.... the best part he laughed till he cries!! mak datok!!! cant take it ah... Alia being alia, she tried to hyped up the situation.... but fuck the ass!!! i was like losing my energy to entertain myself.... nt to mention hym.

there was once when he was telling a joke, i suddenly farted in the car... alamak.... i laughed to myself... bab dier bau kuat and bunyi kuat... lelaki tu ingat joke dier kelakarlah sngt till he says this," you have a great sense of humour, just like me!" mampos!!!

hehehe,.... going out lotsa of this week... alot of planning,.... with aderlah..., nt telling who... my lil enemy outing..... hehehe.... absolutely nt tupai.... hehehe... tupai, u noe who.........

wheee whitttt!!!

2009-10-23T18:27:00.002+10:00

IIm Glad! Life has been finally fair to me.

I appreciate those who have support me throughout my entire war with all the unexpected circumstances. Thank you.

i miss kira. i miss kira. i miss kira. i miss kira. i miss kira.i miss kira. i miss kira. i miss kira....

For you kira... nak aku update sangat kan!!! hahah.....

Finally... i have reached my one year with tupai... seriously, my relationship with tupai is much harder compared to my relationship with razin. sometimes, it feels so long... to solve a problem. but the good thing about this relationship, both of us always managed to put our ego aside and tok things out like idiotic professionals!

Im currently has been too busy for anything. firstly cause im trying my best to complete my script which i have no time for. Secondly, i been wanting to meet nani(grandma) for so long... miss her.... tu pun takde time... Lastly, my hottest babe.... kira... tu lagi tak tahu biler nak jumpe.... its true what kira said... we like a long distance friendship. but seriously, we do get along fine.... hehehe....*tol tak kira*

haiz.... i hope tmr i could let go of all my stress.... coz meeting tupai for a long trip to zoo!! hahaha.... tengok2 kawan2 kiter..kan gerek.... i cant wait for the present.... hehehe.. i forced hym to make something for me... mcm siak kan aku... sekse boyfren sendiri....

Tupai... i love u deeply... i hope that we go thru anything together till the end. Cause baby, you are special to me. cause i wanna be the pilliar of your strength, the reason why we should work hard for the future, the reason for me to breathe. I wanna be a wife to a man whom im so proud of.

Happy One Year Zulkefley Hamzah.

getting new to the situation

2009-10-15T15:01:00.002+10:00

im so actually having a lunch break.... im stuck in the office... budget for lunch....

updates: im enjoying myself nowadays... i so in love with the circumstances.... im so handling my finance well.... financial has been so susah..... but must take it claim.....

jumpe-ing liy and aliff todae for an awesome tyme!!!! hehe.....

a lil bit confuzed!

2009-10-02T12:04:00.003+10:00

hmmm.... doing fine so far... cant wait for wednesdae where i will spent a whole full day with liy!! hahah.... serious talk at 1pm then, a bit of fun at 3pm... nite tyme, hehehe.... explosion!! cant wait...

hmmm... my main aim now is to get in a good shape! im losing weight drastically fast!kindda of afraid oso... makin terok sey aku nye metabolism.... cepat nah digest my food.. but alhamdullilah....

hmm..going to jalan raye real soon!! yippee!!! on sat...which is tmr...finally lah... secondary school fren tak jadi... bab terlalu busy..... standard ah. kater masing2 da kerje and all...

sooooonnnnn..... giving shameem a surprise visit! hehehe...... her bdae da lepas and i totally forget abt it... must make up to her sometymes..... shit2.....

hmmm........................................... please people.... read my script and ideas... someone help me out!!!

how serious is serious is?

2009-09-30T16:25:00.003+10:00

first and foremost, Camat raye!! thanks for all the wishes... and maaf zahir batin!! as u guys know, im always doing mistakes.. aku blur sotong!

not that i do not want to update but my lappie's charger is spoilt..haha! i kene electric shock!cowie....

hmm... there too much stuff for me to update.. i dunnoe where to start... personal life, love life, friendship, carrier? chey2.... budak tu da bebual pasal carrrier sey!!! da besar da anak mak.

carrier wise: im actually working in achieving my dreams... even if the satisfaction is for a little while. im trying to get a director to work wif me in my script. i know its hard. but i cant give up on my dream. my parents are so not giving their blessing!!! haiz... also finding a proper job to support my family and my studies... im nt fortunate to be born in a rich family.
sa[er2 ader lubang tok kerje, sila hubungi me!! thank you.

love life: everything fine. my tupai going to masok NS at 6 october 2009. going to miss hym alot. tupai, pergilah berjuang kelakian mu!!

friendship: hmm.... i still love my two besties the most. kira and liyana.... and including siva too.eel has always been my closest. then ida is still my penpal. hmm.... the rest of the frenz, ok lah..... caliph!!! fadzley!!! and all the abg2....

personal life: cumer the closest jer tahu....

btw.... do wish me luck k for my life. im getting serious wif my life. but how seirious is serious, i dunnoe.

public nuisance

photos!

2009-08-28T02:04:00.005+10:00

eeshan born on 11 march 2009.

how angular my face is.....

seriously babes....

been too busy wif life... seriously a struggle ryte now.. and hope i can pull thru... quite tiring tho... but i guess it gg to be ok....

uploading some pictures... nt sure y.... but just wanna tooo.....

pss....
to complain is a human.
and i learning not to be one.

breathless

2009-08-20T00:23:00.000+10:00

i cant breathe in this unmoisturized air.
i cant look at the future with such a fog.
i hope u understand
with you doing this, im currently bleaking

if you think, u love me,
prove it. if u think im too much too handle as,
abandon. atleast i dun tire you out.
atleast i could still see the glimmer of hope that i left
to make u happy.

i know life is hard. i know u are afraid for me.
but doing this, is unfair. i hope u see how much im
trying to be make a name for myself, to learn the ropes of life by myself.
with putting knowledge and experiences together. not to mention agama.

the grip you are holding on, loosen it a bit.
cause you are making me drifting apart. if u never realise
you are shutting out my emotions completely. i could never believe or trust u ever again.
u slice every hope i have in being able to confide in you.

its hilarious. how things work out.

the new me

2009-08-05T22:01:00.002+10:00

school will be ending in a week. a whole new chapter awaits for me.

as i am sitting alone in my cozy room, with the hp off(my hp is alwaz buzzing)to have my own tyme.
my own refelction. i have been really happy since the past weeks. seriously. i dunnoe where i get the strength from. i kept thinking abt it actually.

i realise that after i am out of darriuz clutches, i slowly change. to become the original me. somehow.
i may not be the coolest person but all i know im very cool in my closest ones. the original. the unique.
someone said i have change and i guess its true.

what i find myself changing:

i laugh at the slightest things way too much.
i am confident with my looks and myself(though i began to have lots of pimples).
i start again my fashion sense.
i am very crazy, especially wif my closest one. public nuisance.
i am more outspoken, a lil bit more understanding.
i enjoy life better though my life is in a mess!
and i chase my dream now.

what i still wanna work on:

to upgrade my wardrobe atleast every 6months
to have a flawless skin
to have my parent trust( though i hv a better freedom)
to be very sexy and seducing( only to tupai)
to be funky. really warm to others.
to keep really long hair.
to be out of the comfort zone.
and to be the real me in tymes to come

what in store for you:

a girl who just pose in a middle of a crowd.
a girl who loves her photos
a girl who is loyal to you
a girl who is funky
a girl who tries out anything
a girl who is creatively makes her life interesting
a girl who will show she cares
and lastly, a girl u love being with!

and thanks to daddy, liyana, aliff, nana, abg, kira, mum, sisters and dad.
and im trying to start afresh my freindship wif shameem. wish me luck!

everything falling into pieces

2009-08-01T18:34:00.003+10:00

phew....

finally after so long of waiting, after so long of arguments, after so long of being a lost sheep, everything falling into pieces...

i had a stiff wif dadddy. it was quite bad.i dunnoe why but all of us just too emotional. and liyana was our middle man. its true what liyana said, we love each other so much that if one party get hurts by the other, its like the end of the world. haiz. but after so long, on thursdae, we finally hold hands again. whippee!!! hope all the bad moments being buried away.

i gained weight. haha... and tupai loving it. no complains from hym at all... gerek ah... tak lame lagi, aku jadi singapore top model..not! hahah... gaining weight ,like no business... but fun ah... breast getting bigger... btw, i seemed to stuck with a b cup. i wanna c cup please... mcm paris hilton!! hahaha!!!

busy weeks.... lagi two weeks i ended my school!! got lotsa of plans ahead of me. alot... and its all fun. waiting for my cousin to have a date wif me. miz them lots... especially aliff... hehehe...

date wif tupai... nt sure when.... but its gonna be soon... im going to cook!! baik ah... semua hangus... tapi die kene tetap makan...too bad!!!! hmmm... going to play some games if hym.... crazy games.... u so dunnoe the mischevious alia....

miss you like missing my favourite sunday ice cream.

gt lotsa of plans.... and budget! shit lah!

i lost my hp

2009-07-22T16:39:00.002+10:00

!!especially for you kira....

i lost my freaking phone! and i have no idea how to contact u... i could not recall yr last few numbers... please kira... if u could.... which i dunnoe how..... contact me again...

and stupid internet at home is down... which really make things worst for me... still struggling to get my close ones to caontact me again.. of all the people to not recall, i cant recall kira... fuck....
really piss off...

im in school...using the stupid internet... mcm buat public announcement!

memory lost

2009-07-12T12:58:00.002+10:00

true.... its really true!!!

im really losing my memories as daes passed.. shit... yesterdae me, liy and siva hang out together! and seriously, we didnt date each other for so long!

then, we share all the lastest updates to each other... haiz... then i told them abt my notebook... like everything is inside. all the details... like my schedule.... then they like omg! they said that im so like lost memories....

daddy said, "if we see each other, lest than 3 months den daughter forget me? must save yr wonderful msgs in the hp. must refresh yr memories."

sorry daddy! btw.. been great... finally wonderful moments are back! and only 4weeks left to skol!

2009-07-08T21:16:00.004+10:00

ugly..
seriously...
i have been big fat ugly...
with pimples on my forehead due to fucking stress
wif my skin getting dry wif no idea why
haiz....

i wanna be pretty... nt gorgeously pretty,...
someone who i can be confident in...
budget has been really low
to commit in beauty.
not blaming anyone for it
but sometyme i have to grow up
to priortise my direction of life

and nisa... happy birthdae tmr...
thanks for inviting me to chalet!

as my mind imagines

2009-07-05T21:39:00.004+10:00

The stench of corruption hangs around the air. No point fighting for justice. No point hoping. Money settles everything. Everyone only sucked up to the rich, leaving the poor hopeless and at the disadvantage.

A girl runnning away frantically to avoid the heavy chested man. She passed by tenths of villagers. Everyone turned a blind eye to her cries. Running, she fell to the ground. It looks as if things were fated to be that way. Still holding on to that glimmer of hope, she forced herself up and continued the run.

to be continued....

the pain

2009-07-05T14:23:00.006+10:00

seriously.. i have been feeling really sick and moody past few daes.. in fact weeks... mcm ader jer tak kene.... tried to find the source of it, but failed... haiz.. kesian sey...

raz called... i am really scared...coz ntah.. he really a different person.. a person whom i am unable to recognise. liy noes every single details of hym. i told liy how afraid i am to make hym as my fren. noone understand... when u r being treated like shit, then one dae, that someone came up to u and said that he sorry and hope everything changed... i was like wtf! tupai has been really pissed with this.. but who can blame hym?

kira.. i wanna be in yr hugs... there too much fear in me.. i just need you... i feel so lost...

daddy.... been crying for the past few nytes... coz i trully miss the old tymes... where we love in our own world.. of daddy and daughter...

liy... thank you again and again for alwaz being there....

aliff!! aku da naik badan... babat pat perot... siak ah... binggit sey!tlg aku kurus alek ah....

up-to-date

2009-07-03T23:05:00.004+10:00

we may nt be the prettiest or coolest couple.
we may nt even be the happiest couple.
but we mature and hold on to each other

i am sorry tupai... i fyte wif you despite knowing that you are very sick.. sorry... and i should know who i should prioritise first... i am still learning... learning hard....

tupai.. really hope u are feeling betta... after all the medication!! nak u dtg nisa chalet.. wif a hyped up mood.... please darlz... no cranky moments please..

tupai finally get an m1 number.. hehehe... can tok long hours at nyte.. can give short calls... and i dun have to worry the bill!! finally sey... boleh lah ader duit skit for shopping!! budget...

baby... love u lots... been nt telling you for so long...

todae i finally finish my breadboard circuit! siak ah! susah betol sey nak patch up.... thanks to tupai!!! my life savior! binggit! surprisingly, me and nisa getting closer and closer... she such a nice gurl...hehe.. and daddy... he always there for me... love hym to the core... im copping wif medical electronics...

raz,.... sorry..... for all the mistake i have done...

kira..
sorry.... for nt meeting you... aper nyer besties kan aku.. one dae k syg... i appreciate whatever u have done for me... i really miss you.. i am sorry.. for alwaz backing out in meeting you.. but all i can promise, i will be there.. and we have long conversation atleast once a week... i love you to pieces... everything abt you... i hope that our frendship would last.. a really pure frendship that was not based on anything. you are the first girl who sincerely be a fren to me in my 1st year.. thank you.

in two daes tyme, marked 2months my nenek passed away... i do miss her.. she always in my memories.. really live in regret... for nt able to take care of her fully.... love u nenek...

2009-06-21T00:21:00.009+10:00

notre damn..nt really sure hw it is spelled.

serene...so in love wif her lah!!

chocolate factory....

lawa sey pandangan

haha....went to germany and france for the past few daes..like 9 daes and 7 nights.... a trip i would never regret lah!!.it mite be a lil too expensive, but its worthwhile.. i make really a good strong frendships...

hmmm...gerek sey.. clean countries... love the people there.. masyallah.. the whites.. so hot!!! pat germany not so much to tell about... coz we really didnt do much.....

france!! paris!! haha... cikgu bastard.... racist!! always with the chinese and left us alone... kurangajar kan.. but somehow my grp survivied.. eiffel tower.... marvellous work of engineering.. and i see lots of naked bodies... should visit the historical palces... alot sey orang terlanjang... nasib baik tak steam..hehe....

my group: serene, keith, gopi, alex, nazrul, mother and son

2009-06-04T20:23:00.004+10:00

dah lamer sey tak update!!!

hmm...
today i finally finish my term test... only one paper.... tu ah... mak suro blajar rajin2 taknak... kan skrang stuck..org lain semua da graduate....suck...

org da abes paper, happy2... aku tak... kindda of feel bored...firstly cause im super sick.. second im just tired... dunnoe why... liy, i so need to jog again... coz of u lah... i cant jog nimore.. no morning stories.. no gossip...

hmm...as per usual.. like wajib like dat, after anything major, must meet liy.. haha... we all so mendak that we started to prank call... dasyat....victim no 1 is eel... haha... i called her... saying that liy sakit pat hospital... mak liy aru call.. nak visit ke tak.... she seemed to believe us.. hehe.... eel...u r punked!

second victim is caliph!! liy turns to talk.. she said that i was in the hospital.. at first caliph didnt want to visit me straight away... he said "besok2".. caliph2.... nanti aku da mati, aru nak menyesal... desperately wanting the story to sound real, liy said that i had accident... serious accident... da caliph panicked... fuck sey liy.. but yesh.. it was fun...

ntg in us resemble a 20 years ladies.. we are like bunch of gilers.. daddy burpdae.... my burpdae.. in any outing... we just play around... image tak maintain... otak gone bonkers!! haha... tlg lah...grow up syg2ku..

kira..need to meet u asap... mizz u damned alot!

burpdae 4 me!!

2009-05-22T14:39:00.009+10:00

all the present i get!

the rose and the card

he lighted up the heart shape wif bunga api

giler nyer ride!! tapi syiok!

pat dlm junk boat!

very sweet kan kiter dua!

17 may 2009

akak da giler!

nak pose mcm mina kental

me and my sis...

menu lagi besar dari kite dua!!

my first dae of my burpdae!!

gerek kape burpdae aku!!!

seriously man..

i got the best burpdae in the whole world!! thanks to tupai.... and liy, eel and siva... the best people in my life!! love u guys! and to my family for being there throughout my 19 years,... kak yan.. thank you for blanje me to breeks!! gerek sungguh dpt spend tyme ngan akak....

12may.... i met up wif tupai for a mini celebration... he surprise me wif a cake behind hys back at my void deck staircase... hehehe.. happy sey.. so thoughtful.. den, we played lan gaming which was so super addictive.. left for died!! aku addicted.... den, we played bumper car at pasar mlm... step konon2 ader dendam maut.... langgar each other terok2!!!

had a small celebration wif family!! first tyme celbrate ngan areez eeshan!!!

13may... eel and liy decide to sabo me!! good plan... sabo aku pat bawah block aku... pandai sey... aku aper lagi... kene kan dorang jugak ah... end up kiter 3 kotor... tapi gerek... first grp yg dapat sabo aku without me knowing... hahah.... aku kene flour, hershey, and water... terbalas dendam korang kan!!!! happy ah... den mlm pi sheesha!! hehehe.. ngan daddy ku!!! gthanks for making the effort guys!!

15may... aku pi naikkan badan ku ngan makan breeks wif my sister!! haha... kecoh sey.... service sucks... hehe... org blanjer, makan ah puas2... mcm pelahap.... mcm pirana pun ader.... eat alot...tapi tak ingat aper die....

17may... hari yg paling kecoh... meet si tupai... kluar for our proper celebration... wow... i never did guess he would do dat... seriously ah..jumpe pat ct halll... den he gave me a small card... konon the agenda of that meeting... so it goes like this:

1) a ride to city

kiter dua pun turun clark quay... den he ajak me naik junk boat!!! hehehe... berangan ah jadi tourist.... syiok sey... ngok eplanade semua thru different angle.. as per usual alia, jacon!! excited mcm budak2... kecian tupai... kene layan... for 30mins ride, we just sit back and relax.... maklumlah..tupai kan tulang kerepok.. need of rest....

2) a fear to overcome

guess what... ti kiter dua kene naik gmax!!! what more known is reverse bunjy jumping....!! tu part hati aku mcm tak terkluar!! seram giler... hehe... even walking there, i had to "kencing" like 4-5tymes... seriously ah... takleh angkat!! mcm tak safety gitu...mcm pompan giler sey aku... berpeloh... sejuk... haiz..u shld so see how i was.... den biler beli ticket, the person is so sarcastic! buat sakit hati jer... haiz... sblm naik jer, pi lagi toilet... kencing lagi... den pas ddk one corner, psycho diri sendiri, baru naik ah.... hahah..... aku tak sempat pekik!! i was speechless!! only towards the end! sial ah.... aku blum smpt mengucap.... aiyoo!! but best!! happy biler da turun.. mcm high gitu!

3) fill up our tanks

tak jadi due to budget....

4)see the moon

ni part sweet nak mampos....cair jugak aku... he actually brought me to pasir ris park... ader ke bawak anak dara orng pi pasir ris park kul 8pm.. aku dahlah lemah semangat!! haiz.. kalau kene sampok, da lain citer.... he make a surprise for me wif the help of nisa and lawrent!! thank you guys!! see the pictures above... tak tahu cammane nak explain.. tapi sweet giler...........................

5) mampos!

ni part actually bukan kat dlm agenda... tapi terjadi... anyone kalau kluar ngan aku, mesti terbuat kejer bodoh... gini citer dier.... aku actually ader curfew tyme... so konon2 da past curfew tyme aku... so dua2 makhluk allah ni terlari2 ah to make it own tyme... den alia being alia... die terlepas the ballon... ballon da terus stuck betol2 depan cheers tm... mampos... aku pun merenget... nak ballon aku balik... so tupai being my hero, die climb the chair wif a broom on the another hand!! siok ajer... depan cheers tau, where there alot of people!! hahah.. malu babe! standard drop... da dapat, aku lepaskan lagi... i got wet hands lah.... so yesh, he had to climb again... it took us abt 15mins....hehe..den he hold the ballon sampai lah balik... haiz... kecian die.. make a fool of hymself..

but anywae.. thaanks for all the wishes, the happiness you guys have given me.... and thank you for people who parcipitated in making it such a memorable burpdae for me.... love u guys!

2009-05-11T21:38:00.004+10:00

habby advance bdae to me!!!

i inform all my closed frenz about my bdae... hehe... so tak malu kan... i dunnoe why... but i just wanna enjoy every lil pieces left for me... nineteen........ seriously, i am afraid of how life would be when im 20....

i am really afraid... my 19 life was hectic, pain and misearable.. my mp/sip, break up, family, nenek meninggal and frendship. but somehow i am able to make it thru... 20.... i really want a better life... where i would atleast gain maturity, more knowledgeable and trust from my parents... ntah lah....

i hope people who have been there throughout my life would still be there for me in the future... i will treasure and love you guys alot.... i am really thankful....

babes..ku nak pi... happy sweet 20 advance bdae to me!

2009-05-08T00:10:00.003+10:00

my nenek passed away two daes ago on the 05/may/09. though i was not beside her for her last moments, i know she sambut panggilan Illahi dengan tenang.

i realise that life was too short. my nenek who was very active and seriously clever could just be paralyzed in bed for months overnyte. i as a grandchild did not able to forgive her till the very end due to some reason. i did not fulfil my responsibility as a grandchild in looking after her. only after her death, it hits me hard. why must i stood the same level as them whom i despise? takde tanggungjawab towards your kin.

it gives me chills when i had to perform the last "mandi" for nenek.. her fragile body, her pale skin... i remembered vividly on how lifeless or useless she is... laying there. sedih giler hati. ntah... at that point of tyme, tergerak hati nak pakai tudung, and get ready for a life yg beriman. coz i guess, whatever we chase in dunia, when we die, there no use. but yeah... alia being alia, she always nt ready.

i really hope that my nenek could rest in peace. nek, maafkan sali... sali da banyak berdosa.. tok bad abt u and all... nek, sali da maafkan segala-galanya. and i hope that u do the same for me. salu akan slalu ingat how determined you are in achieving something. insyallah, sali akan ikot. maafkan cucu mu...

nek....i will always remember you... thank you for being part in my life....

2009-05-02T22:17:00.000+10:00

takleh tangkap steam ah... ader pengacau...eel and liy

my two goodies bags of frens

and thanks liy for the comment on me running....

i am very glad that 30th april and 1 may were over. i was very afraid that things were to turned out ugly. being closed wif kira, liy and siva, i seriously feel obligated to cheer them up. i hope my dears, u are coping well....

hmm... thank you tupai for gg out wif me last minute... ingatkan u tul2 taknak kua wif me despite us nt gg out often... i was gleaming from ear to ear noeing that you will be physically there for me yest... hehe... sorry for getting high on sheesha... aku macam minum arak.... haha!!! ni kalau takde supervision, tak selamat sey...and liy, mentang2 org diamkan, isap banyak2 eh.... lil gurl...

hmm.... i wrote a story... tapi a bit censored... so if you are under 18, jgn bace!!! haram... nafsu naik tau... mcm paham jer aku...

monday, 12 may 1999, as the clock striked 5.30pm, i know there was no turning back for me anymore.

tick..tick...tick...5.31pm.

cold sweat started to drip down my back. the tension of the room was like a rope that was ready to snap. i colud literally smell the liqour and heavy breath of him who laid on top of me, trapping my small, fragile body. i closed my eyes tightly, wishing that i did not even make a harsh decision back then. he took in charge of my every limb, of my every movement leaving me no space to react involuntarily.

his lust was like an animal. he ripped of my clothes....

aku taknak continue... nanti nafsu org2 bace naik.... haha.... and i told this story to my student! siol ajer aku.

2009-04-30T22:20:00.000+10:00

happy 23 bdae to razin...

im happy that you are 23. Quite an old age now. Its tyme u mature and learn to love and appreciate things around you. i hope you will manage to make your mum and family happy... yr journey in life is far and rough... believe in faith k buddy(i know its only me who accept you as a buddy)... u once did make me happy... and i really hope u forgive me.

i am sorry tupai... for being cranky and all... i know you facing alot... and i really wish i could help. but i know that yr ego is too high, u wanna handle it alone... but i hope babe, that you are matured and you are strong to face the world in a positive energy. i do not want to control u so much in yr life coz i know u love freedom... but there are some things which i hope u wun take it for granted. i will hold yr hand..shine the bleakness of your world.

liy, daddy siva and kira......

i know u guys are feeling hurt inside. i know you guys been trying to stay strong. i cant do much. and i am not good wif words.. but i hope u do realise that i have been trying to be there... to support you guys..

liy, everytyme i meet you, i try to make u laugh so much till there will be no space for you to cry. seeing you smile each dae during jogging or short meetings makes me comforted to know that my lil gurl is still standing strong.

every nyte i end the conversation wif kira, i just hope she realise that i am here for her.... though we do not meet, atleast i hope you know that i really do love you as a fren... i am not always there wif you physically but you can still cry on my shoulders.

daddy siva... though i dun really comfort you in any wae... i always believe you are a strong man... my notty strict daddy..... i noes it has been hard on you... u still cant move on... but i hope and pray that one dae, there a woman out there who loves you alot... it just dampens my spirit to see you in this state... i do feel shit at tymes coz as a daughter, i cant mange to cheer u up... i love u daddy....

guys... i pray and hope the best... may tyme heals all wounds...

2009-04-23T09:32:00.000+10:00

my life depicts the colour of confusions,
deperately lost in time,
taking baby small steps,
to have answers to the endless stream of questions

the gesture that was given to me
the tone that you threw on me,
you shoved me like a piece of broken glass
you stab a heart that was literally bleedin'

thot u were matured,
to still hold me as a fren
coz for me i noe i wld
coz u have given me the happiness before

i noe there no point pleading at you
to forgive this lil gurl
but i am sorry for all the things said and done
all the unkept hatred and anger in your heart

i wish you the best in life.
grabbing all the happiness
succeed in your every path
shraing it with your loved ones

if you ever think you still need a fren
im always here
i had fogiven you
as you said, "i will be a fren when noone else wants to"

i still have to thank you...
for giving me a chance wif tupai
coz for me, he should be ryte man
to hold me close, to warm a body that is cold.

first dae of school

2009-04-22T22:40:00.000+10:00

though i knew my friends came down to school to specially support me and siva on our first dae of school, but doesnt erase the feeling of loniless and lost... i noe that i should not give up... but i hope i do get the support and push.... i have been trying to stay strong, to be focus... but with no friends around, i feel like a loner... aiyoo... but i still have my sweet, cherry daddy... who has always been there for me.

saw nisa today... i guess all of us are feeling the same wae... mcm lost.. sit thru the lect..looking ard for some familiar face....haiz... it takes tyme for me, nisa nad daddy to adapt.. we are on our own now...

to make matter really worst, tupai was not by my side todae... he went for china trip for five/six daes and only back by mondae morning... haiz... i really want hym to be here physically with me... where i would nag, complain, whine at tupai... standard... alia mcm pampered g2... but seriously, i wanna make it thru for my mum...

thank you eel and liy for accompanying me... and 5 more daes u gg home baby....

tiny lil thots

2009-04-19T16:42:00.000+10:00

hmm...

a thought that i came across while showering. y do we began to behave like others and do not have our own p identity as we grow older?

as we grow up, we began to ignore the clours that once filled with our lives. we began to make the safest choices and also we began to be in delusion that we like a certain decision that we have made. we do not are to jump in the clod water.

we did not realise that we are the driver of our lives. we have our own thinking and talent. i used to ask myself what do i wanna be when i grow up....

since young, i love being a script writer or a producer... i love the satisfaction seeing the end product. the ambition to be one became stronger when i was selected to be in the SYF team. i once heard a comments of my creativity.

but as i approaching my twenties, i began to bury the burning passion in me. i began to follow what others think... took the safest course and aim to have a stable job. i join dramatec thinking that i could expand my creativity. but with so much primadonas and controversy, i back out. i was intimidated by all the circumstances....

i regreted... i wasted 3years of my life in tertiary level to chase my dream. i was to focused in being a "normal"person. too much fears, too much traditions and regulations. that was past. i still wanna chase my dream... i wanna be myself coz with being myself, i would be happy... with strong vision and determination, i could overcome the barrier. even if i could be a known scriptwriter, atleast i know i tried.

i just hope people out there be bold and listen to what they really wants.

tupai...

2009-04-18T21:56:00.000+10:00

u wipe my tears though u were crying inside
u hold my hand though u needed one yourself
u still treat me as a princess though u were feeling insecure
u still back hym up despite the pain u were put through

i am sorry my dear for hurting you
i am sorry my dear for neglecting you
i am sorry my dear for not being faithful
i am sorry my dear for nit believing in you

i promise to be a god girlfren to you
i promise to always be there for you
i promise to always make you laugh
i promise to heal your wounds

lastly... i promise i try to love u as long we are together...
to be the best for my lil tupai...

love,
penyu

a new begining for me

2009-04-12T18:19:00.000+10:00

i am currently out of the sadness i am in for almost six months.... im super glad and happy at all that happened... seriously, i am stronger... but whatever it is, i am not angry at you at all....

tupai... he is a great man... i love hym alot.... he really heal my hearts... he there for me whenever i am down... i am glad dear.. thank you... u waited for 5months before i could trully move on... i hope that u would be able to constantly be pateince wif me...

thank you my dear.... cant wait to go cats wif you on tuesdae!