know about me.

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Embarking on a new journey 7:28 PM

Let me start with saying Alhamdulilah with all the things that has been happening. The things that made me grow up and further enhance my personal growth. It was never an easy journey but it was indeed a meaningful one.

On January 2012, life has been really hard for me. Facing anxiety was no joke. I consistently worry about the future which is actually in the hands of Allah. Had to defer my studies due to it and thus i told myself that i am going to make this deferment a worthwhile thing. MasyaAllah, i thot Allah would not test me any further, but things were so bleak after that.

One by one my friends left me. Leaving me stranded alone. Its not their fault really but it was me who was going through a transition at that point of time i could not undertsand. I could not explain to them what was in my mind. I had tonnes of tears crying till one night i heardto this uztazah saying "Allah membuat kiter keseorang kerna Allah sayangkan kiter. Allah nak kiter dekatkan diri dengan Nya dan hanya bergantung kepadaNya." That stops me thinking...was that what he wants from me... and it set me thinking that i believe in my friends and depend on them so much that i do forget about HIM.

Picking up the pieces of where i left in my religion was super tough... My prayer mat never failed to have stains of my tears and my mucus. Disgusting.. But that was what i felt at that time. I was so lost, and at times i was just crying my hearts out. I woke up in the middle of the night to pray. For Allah to guide back my soul. For Allah to love me back. If this was a punishment, i dont wish to face it anymore. The pain was so unbearable.

I had several "dialogue" with Allah. Certain days i would just question him certain days, i would just leave myself hanging. I avoid my firiends totally. At that point of time, i wondered if its the right move. But if u ask me now, i would have to say yes. I told Allah that i am the type who needs friends and all. The more I tell HIM that, the more my friends distance me away. In the end, i decided to give my total submission to HIM and only depends on HIM only.

Prayers arent easy. Neither telling yrself that you have to be alone. I took the decision to do this. To embark on my islamic life. I told myself that Allah has planned it for me this way and learn to bersyukur about it. And i kept saying this line which till now i hold on to strongly

"Tiada Tuhan melainkan Allah dan Nabi Muhammad persuruhNya" and "Cukuplah Allah bagiku".

My heart began to open up. Firstly, i did this due to the utmost love i have for my mother. And my uztazah said that sometime due to the children fault, parents might be drag to hell. Something which i know my mummy dont deserve. So i began to faithfully pray five times a day. Three weeks passed, and i began to wonder who is this Muhammad S.A.W. I read him up. I read the history and i read everything about him. I am obessed with him till now. Never seemed to stop admiring him.I do wonder what is his recipe in being who he is. And i know whatever he did was due to Allah. Slowly i learn about Aisyah R.A. i do wish that my hubby would treat me the same way RasulluAllah treats Aisyah R.A. With lotsa of love and guidance. And i love her energy in being faithful to her husband and also to Allah. This lady change my whole prespective about ISLAM.

i Really thot Islam do not allow you to be yourself but only to be super good. But Aisyah has her jelousy, has her playfulness and also has her worries. But it is only to her husband and noone else. Which i find it beautiful cause there really no need for the whole world to know the real you. Just abit here and there

And slowly, with learning about both of them, I fall in love with ISlam. I saw how merciful Allah is towards me. No joke when i tell you i am a bad person. But HE still chooses me over the rest for me to taubat. And for me to embark the journey of islam.

This is how i describe Islam,. my feelings and thoughts.

Islam has teachs me to be compassionate, to appreciate, to love, to understand modesty and also to make me know that Allah has His secrets. It is a religion of love and respect. Happiness and laughter. Imaan and taqwa.

Ya Allah, hidopkanlah aku dalam taqwa dan imaan. Hidopkanlah aku dalam keredhaanmu.

Now, i am much better. Alhamdulilah. I would never know what Islam is and what it means by Allah is enough for me if it arent for my anxiety and also for the mis-thoughts my friends have on me. Allah has planned it in such a way that i learn to depend on HIM alone.

InsyaAllah, i will embark on my journey in tutup my aurat, To show Allah that i really bersyukur is to always pray, zikir, mengaji and finally cover myself up to protect my modesty which Allah has made me see the beauty of it.

For HIM i returned to. For Him i seek the blessing and help.
Ya Allah, give me yr rahmat. Give me your love.
Guide me. dont let me live in regret.
Amin.